Musings: Confessions of an Ex-Church Girl

Once upon a lifetime, I was God's very own. It was almost like I did not need to go to church to have a conversation  with God. I could just start one while walking, no matter how silly,  but it was a great time of my life. I had never been the pray-before-you-rise or pray-before-bed kind of girl. I was just the girl that talked to God when I was brushing,  having a bath, in-between classes,  etc. Still I showed up in church whenever I could. It was my peaceful place...my escape  from all the madness.


I used to call myself lucky and unlucky at the same time. I have to be the clumsiest person  I know (even today). No one else makes tea and spills the beverage/milk/hot water every time. No one has tripped more times than me. No one makes more mistakes or bad decisions than I do.  But on the other hand, I've had the craziest luck too. I fell sick last year for about three days, but before then, my last sickness was menstrual cramps and occasionally catarrh and I am dating back to secondary school. I did not get into  the university immediately,  but the struggles were minimal. Almost everything I have involved myself in has been a success. I have won battles that I never knew  I was fighting. All my exams have been very smooth. My family (best thing that ever happened to me) had a lot of hiccups somewhere in the middle, but we are currently doing much better than the perfect ones. My sister used to say I had this thing that just followed me and opened doors for me. I'm not lucky. Nope. I'm just blessed.


Or should I say 'was'? Somewhere along the line I started having less conversations with God and more with my phone. When it started, I barely noticed. The day it shocked me (mid last year or so) was when I knelt down to pray and I just knew I was wasting my time. It was so scary and hilarious at the same time. It was even funnier that I could not share. How will ‘Mama Morning  Mass’ be snubbed by God? What will other people now do? I could already hear what my confidant would  say. After fighting with myself and the crazy voice in my head, I started going to church on Sunday...just because. The morning masses I usually attended ended too. Then, I fell sick. I think that was the confirmation I got from God that things had gone sour between us (tease me all you want for bringing out my fetish side). I was scared and pissed at the same time. Eventually I just decided to let life happen. Just go with the flow. I cannot come and kill myself.


Did I tell you that I started rebelling? Church was beginning to piss me off. I hated money talk (I still do). It drove me nuts when they tried to raise money. Why did churches not give account of the money they made? What was the point of tithes and offering when they still asked for money to fix a bad fan??? Why were people guilt-tripped into spending their last dime on pastors that could afford to move their families abroad? Why were people contributing to buy 50+ cars for someone that already had a private jet? Did God really  bless people for giving irrelevant gifts? I had a million and one conversations with people who shared my concerns. Churches built schools with donations from members and still placed fees at levels that even above-average members could not afford. Pastors arrived at events with more security personnel than their state governors. Suddenly preaching about giving to God and updating one's tithe card became more important than starting a personal relationship with God. If you love God, you will not owe Him! Nobody talked about taking out money to give scholarships to church members that could not afford to attend school. No one wanted to provide free medical care to people who could not afford tests of N3000 in the hospital (I am not even exaggerating!). Try saying these things to pastors and they will bind you in the name of Jesus. It is not my garri that you will put sand inside!


One day, I just decided  to separate religion from Christianity. Just like seminars, you don't go there to take everything you are told. You take the part that will help you grow spiritually and leave the rest at the door. That has become my new principle. When I start earning  a real living, I will drop my tithe in that box that says 'help the needy'. Why? I have actually seen the people in charge of that box in action and they are putting smiles on people’s faces. Also, when I get older, I will build my own charity (church if you may) where people  with similar ideas also remit their tithes. With a great team, I will  take care of hospital  bills and tuitions and maybe even build shelters and give out free lunch on Sundays (or every day depending on the number of people that join me on this mission). Hopefully,  if the money is good, we might give grants to sponsor people with great innovative ideas. What greater way to give back to the society?


Forgive me for saying that I am disappointed in churches for not taking advantage of the power that they have. All they have to do today is say a few words and half of the country is fasting.  Nigeria  is one of the most religious countries I know and it is true that it does not say much about our hearts. If you ask me, everyone knows what is right and wrong (at least from a certain age). No one needs to tell me that lying or stealing or fornication (the no-go-area sin that even pastors do not like to talk about) is wrong. We all know these things don't sit well with God. Still, no matter what the church says, we go out to the world and do what we want. However, there is one thing churches can fix and it is the appalling  state of the country.  It might be slow...but it will work if we want it to. Unfortunately,  our churches are now businesses that people invest in. No one is going to give up his private jet to make the world a better place. Why should he? He worked for it after all. Abi, is prayer not work again?

About my sick spiritual life, I finally used my phone to do something useful. I googled bible verses about a fresh start and I feel energized.  My only prayer is that I don't lose this fire before the month or even the day runs out. Your girl is going to get her mojo back!


#TheRitaSide


Disclaimer: I am not perfect and I have so many logs in my eyes. I'm just here to tell us to check our own eyes too.


About those bible verses…
• Philippians 3:13–14
• Isaiah 43:18–19
• Psalm 90:12
• Lamentations 3:22–23
• Micah 6:8
• Psalm 19:14
• Ephesians 4:32