'Sexcuses': The Master List

So who heard of the FECAMDS convention in Uniben? I was there and it was lit! Before anyone says that the school paid me to make them look good, I have to mention that I mean every word and you can quote me anywhere. I know there were some issues which I refuse to mention, but the spiritual experience was really enlightening and the entertainment was noteworthy.
Back to the point. There was this singular talk we had that I thought I should share with you. Honestly, I regret judging the speaker long before he opened his mouth. He was the basic pharmacist that looked a bit too old to talk about '21 century relationships'. I imagined that he picked his wife up from her ss2 class and anything he was going to tell us would be as good as useless to our generation. Guess what? I still don't know how old his wife was when he married her, but I definitely know that he talked like he had been in the business for a while. He started by quoting a million Bible verses about marriages that I could not believe were there. Initially, I began  to wonder if we had come for marriage counseling. Then, just when I was giving up, he made me proud. He 'gifted' us with the master list of 'sexcuses' (as I would like to call them) that men dish out to women to consummate their relationships prematurely. I like to call it a gift because it reminds me of that Steve Harvey's Act like a Lady Think Like a Man. Somehow, (although most men will not agree)  women were given an opportunity to see various versions of the opposite sex and decided which type they could handle. I know I never finished the book (I actually hate books that tell me what to do) but the few chapters I read were wonderful. And the movie too! I might have crammed a few lines (sorry!)
As I was saying, here is the list of 'sexcuses' and how men use them. Ladies, you can thank me later. (Men, please this is not for you. I don't want you to use any line here to deceive a naïve beautiful undeserving woman out there. Stay away from my list!)

1.  True love: Baby, I love you so much and I want to make love to you. (Bluff!)

2. Flattery: Damn girl! That dress makes you look so good that I want to eat you up. (Sister, just say thank you. Don't encourage them.)

3. Sympathy: If I don't have you this night, I won't survive it. (Uncle, how is that her problem?)

4. The conventional approach: Everybody is doing it. (So? Did she come to this world to be like everyone else?)

5. Abnormal aproach:  Are you a learner? (Anyone that uses that line on me will not go home the same. I will abuse his entire generation.)

6. The ones that want to make you feel comfortable: Relax. I won't bite. I'm a virgin too. (Run! He is lying!)

6. Mr Experienced: I'm really good at this. I promise you that you will not regret it. I will make you feel special. (Please keep your skills to yourself.)

7. The promise approach: I will marry you. (Wonderful! Go and meet her father)

8. Guilt: You led me on. (I can agree that girls do this a lot without even realising, but every woman's no should be no. No compromise. Besides, pity sex is the worst kind.)

9. Build-up approach: This happens to be the commonest. It is also the most difficult one to get out of. It starts with crossing the first hurdle, then the next and it goes on and on until the hurdles are tossed away and 'love' is allowed to take the lead.

Let me unequivocally say that there is not room for sex in a relationship (the speaker said this too). It is not just about the biblical 'do not fornicate' reason. That should actually be enough to keep a woman's legs closed, but I have another strange reason. Imagine if you loved chocolate ice cream so much and you you thought it was the best flavour because you had not tasted wildberry for instance. Wildberry might be too expensive for you but you do not care because you love your chocolate. Then comes a moment when you get a little taste of the wild and you just want it again even if stealing is involved. That is what happens when we get sexually attached to the people 'hit it right'. There is a high tendency to cheat in subsequent relationships and even marriage if we never marry the person in question.  He/she will always be the one that got away and we will never stop comparing him/her to the one we finally end up with. I don't know about you, but I think it is better not to know how good (or even how terrible) any other person tastes. Let your life partner be your perfection.

Finally, having kids and raising them, is enough hard work on its own. The John that Ada slept with a year before she got married will definitely distract her when she sees him at her children's school. In case women do not know this, men DO NOT condone unfaithfulness, but they always expect their wives to understand when they 'fall into temptation'. Pathetic but true.

PS: Some may argue that they will eventually end up with their sexual partners and they may have a good point, but what if they don't? Even if they do, what happens on the wedding night? It will just be like any other night, except that the wedding bands add an extra touch. Nothing new or memorable will take place.

PS: I might have added a few items to the list.

Thank you!
Photo credit: trendsandlife