13 Dos and Don'ts for Every Bridesmaid (And how I failed woefully)

1.  Come early. It is the least you can do: 

I had this near-perfect plan of  leaving by 9am for a 10am wedding (I did not sleep at the hotel like the other girls). Well, that would have worked out if all I had to do was throw on a suit and walk in flat shoes. Well, girls have to deal with so much ( and I mean so much) in order to be worthy of attending a wedding. As a bridesmaid, you just have to be extra. Who knew it took four hours to achieve that? Needless to say, I was late. Guess who still got there before the bride?😂😂😂 The church has no chill😂😂😂😂How can the wedding even start before the lady of the occasion??

2. Know what the bride looks like. It's a basic requirement! 

Laugh or doubt all you want but I was recruited as the bridesmaid of a wedding and I knew no one. Not even the bride. How did they find me? My mother must have thought she was doing me a favour by giving me a chance to show myself, you know the manhunt and all. I was so uncomfortable that I could not sit still. All the poses I struck made me look like a 16-year old in a 3-year old's party. I can't say that I had fun. I'm supposed to love meeting people, but it felt like a chore today.

3. Keep your bra straps at home: apparently I was at the wedding to give everyone a good look at my straps. And they were blue!! It was embarrassing enough that I had to say thank you to anyone that was gracious enough to show me the blue strings hanging out of my extremely bright dress. Unfortunately (or do I say fortunately?) uncle cameraman was giving his instructions and he said 'Bring out your hips, girls! Raise your flowers! Smile! And put your bras inside!' Yes he said bras. Of course, I announced to the small crowd that he was talking about mine. I've not forgiven myself till now for that flop.

4. Sit with someone you can actually communicate with. Someone that seems close to your age: 

That was the one thing I got right. I was able to ask the necessary prep questions like 'am I at the right wedding?' 'how are we related?' 'who is off limits?' etc. An added advantage is that you will be entertained.

5.  Don't you dare bring out your phone when elders are taking pictures: 

I was smart about that one. I was itching to take a picture of the bride, but my brain still had a little sense. After scanning the gadget collection on display and finding only Apple family and S series, my brain and I decided to keep our camera to ourselves. It wasn't worth the embarrassment. What if someone asked me to send a picture to him and I brought out the blurry poorly lit attempt at a picture that I had? Hell no. My camera is only for my face and me. Plus my sister's face occasionally.

6. Smile at all times and do not look at a camera unless you are asked to:
I used to watch programmes on tv and wonder why people were staring squarely at the camera. Haven't you seen a video camera before??? Karma is just a big bitch from hell. I was quietly trying to follow the mass (or the cute guys in church😋) when my sister ( did I tell you we came together?) urged me to turn and smile for the camera. I swear it was a real camera. I decided to give the picture my best shot. After all who knew where the pictures would end up? Brethren, it was a video o! I noticed that my pose was sagging and oga cameraman had not pressed any button. It took me a little while to realise that someone was going to be watching me in a week and saying that I had never seen a video camera before. My sister will have to grovel and beg before I forgive her for this one. And she must buy me chicken!

7. Learn how to wear a fascinator: 

Did I mention that I come to church with no scarf and after I bought handkerchiefs with #200 (one for the sister... something that used to be #50 o!)? they told me to enjoy the wedding from the church entrance? I almost started crying. Apparently, they had a no-hankerchief rule. After, holding myself on several occasions from insulting the church warden, I sat down. Eventually, they let me in and the other bridesmaids came with my fascinator. Honestly, I thought it came naturally that every skirt should be able to put on a fascinator. Not this one. I struggled and struggled. Eventually I got it right (or I thought I did). I smiled for all the pictures (eyes away from the camera of course) and tried to look super beautiful. Then I wanted to take a selfie (as a fine girl😎) and there it sat at the centre of my head. I wanted to take all the cameras back and delete. Dear God! Well...who said I can't start a new trend...ish?
 
8. Your dancing game has to be on point:

 I'm an amazing dancer! The type that does not even have to try to look good. All I need is music and the good vibes and I am on fire. Lies! I'm so shy that when I see guys that I just started talking to, I duck and disappear. Dancing has never ever been my calliing and my friends always tease me at parties. So there I stood like the misfit I was, trying to shake my tiny body. God bless the DJ for playing a bad song that nobody knew how to dance to. When he recovered, the bride was already the centre of attraction. Someone tell that DJ that I need to give him a kiss for salvaging my reputation.
It gets worse. You know the part where the bridesmaids gather round the bride? They caught me. Just know at some point I played the someone-is-calling-me-outside card. Worked like magic. But you know monkey wey go market must come back. They caught me well when I returned! Thank God this bad dancing ish runs in the family and I was not alone😂😂

9. Eye on the price: 

Have you heard that girls go for weddings to look for men? I go to look at them. A fine face has always been my weak point and I have an invisible sensor in my head. I saw him as I stepped into the hall. He was finnnneeee, but I gat home training, so I just admired from afar. While I was daydreaming😄 another demigod walked in. This one was not tall (I'm not a fan of small guys), but his face had me at first glance and I take exception for melanin men. I could not even stop looking despite the fact that a girl had her hand in his. I don't even remember the colour of her dress. (Ok it was pink but who cares?) Needless, to say, I messed everything up when they made me dance down the aisle. Any man that saw that terrifying sight was definitely not going to speak to me.

10. Never say you don't take alcohol: I'm not an alcoholic, but I know better than to say I don't take alcohol in a social gathering. Lil sis did not get the memo and although I did not hear most of the talk, I know the bridesmaids teased her till she wanted to cry. Apparently, the other girls in the train were walking tanks  that could drink anything in any amount(if any of you is reading this, na play o!). I heard one asking for a little alcohol to inspire her to dance before we even entered the hall. Maybe I should learn from her, take a little something for the road, and let my inner Ciara out. It might work😂😂(PS: they are still teasing her. Should I laugh?  😂😂😂)

11. Always know your way home and have enough money to take yourself there: 

I still don't know where exactly I am. I was typing when one of the guys drove us to the venue, and the windows were covered with wedding decor. Still, I know that whenever I get tired I can step out and go right home. It makes me feel safe every time. I hate being at people's mercy.

12. Stay away from the  Bridezilla: My sister is the only bride I have avcepted to take crap from. I love her too much not to. Any other bride, honey, you are not talking to me. Good thing is that all you have to do is stay away from her whenever she wants to combust. I have always thought that all brides had the same raging hormones that pregnant women did. There is always a mix of shouting and tears. Little things like 'why are you not holding you flower right?!' or 'who told you to start sharing the souvenirs?!' can make a bride start her waterworks. It is hilarious! But you dare not laugh. I repeat, DON'T YOU DARE!

13. Get the dress right: 

When the bride was saying canoe neck and flying boat hand (sewing terminologies), I thought she was speaking Swahili. Personally, I hate to appear ignorant in front of anyone. So I assured her that I had everything covered. My tailor told me the same thing. So you can imagine my disappointment when I showed up at the wedding looking a bit off. I reread my chat with the bride a million times before I confirmed that I had really messed up. I tried to use my purse to hide the mistake hoping the bride would not notice. You know these brides usually get the same raging hormones that come with pregnancy. Thank God for his mercies. She turned to a bridezilla a couple of times but she never actually noticed😌😌

*Bridezilla: bride that throws tantrums; common with all brides on their wedding day

#TheRitaSide